I wanted to share with you about my PTSD. I am not going to go into details of my past trauma but I wanted to show what living with my brain has been like all these years.  When people hear I have PTSD most do not understand which is normal actually, its hard to describe and subject to individuality.

 To start I am going to describe what I remember when I realized the full scope of what I had to deal with.  Imagine living in fear with a flight or fight response continually. That’s what I remember as well the panic attacks, the anxiety and feeling bad that I felt this way.  I tried so many ways to cope and nothing would or could relieve me. When something traumatic happens it actually causes your brain to change, neurons are made and your brain changes to cope.  It is individual because there isn’t just way one for things to change.

 In 1997 I had a boyfriend who transferred vehicles, trucks for a living and I used to go with him.  The garbage trucks were stinky but for the most part I enjoyed hanging out. I got in my first Peterbuilt, it was an old one and I was agog over the dash and gauges.  I decided right there I was going to do everything I had to drive one. I was 27 and never even had a driver’s license when I went to get my first permit. I was terrified as usual but determined and I made a firm plan of 5 yrs and how I was going to accomplish my goals.  My boyfriend enjoyed torturing me for 2 yrs teaching me to drive, he never let me drive during the day and always during the worst weather mother nature could throw at me. I panicked all the time, would stop and center myself and begin again. Over and over this cycle continued until I could cope and not panic, then he let me drive on a sunny day.  I am always grateful to Bill Coates for taking on me with my issues and making sure I knew how to drive and to be able to do so without panicking. I did accomplish my goals and end result being my AZ and it was a difficult journey but not my last. I made myself work at a job driving through every license, GZ, D, A. I stepped up as I was capable and felt comfortable.  I planned and executed this despite my PTSD.

 In 2007 the auto industry went to Mexico and drivers were laid off.  I was one of them and I decided to attend college and study accounting.  School was exhausting really because dealing with people for so long in a day stressed me out considerably.  Determination and hope I would get used to it kept me going and I finished with a decent average. So now I had my AZ and a college diploma and was quite happy because I started with just a damaged brain really and no education, no hope for the future.  I got a job just out of school covering a maternity leave as a CSR with a trucking company. I have to say I hated the job but I needed to make money so I went and did my job. It was then that I found out about a brain retraining program for PTSD. I was excited and attend the orientations and was interviewed and accepted into the program only to have my boss say it’s the program or the job and since I needed the money I stayed with the job.  I decided to research and try to change my brain myself. I discovered my limitations but slowly with self analysis I figured out what kind of triggers, what happens during a trigger and how to catch myself before my brain does what it does to shut off a lot of the panic. I learned how to ignore my impulses to react that used to frustrate me to no end.

So now I have my new challenge which is owning and I have slowly through the years become quite balanced.  I still have a brain that has impulses to panic and fear but I have learned how to do what I want anyways. I still am struggling with relationships and until I figure out a way to get through that limit I am just loving, accepting myself with all my flaws, there’s really no use beating myself up over something I cannot change.  

Carol and Sassy

Carol Pritchard is an owner operator at Pride Group  Logistics. Carol is also a director of the Women’s Trucking Federation of Canada .

You can reach Carol at carolp@wtfc.ca